I feel like I'm drifting away from my best friends.
See, at FAC, people are sort of divided into their little group, like music kids theater kids visual arts kids et cetera.
But the two biggest 'rivals' are music and visual arts kids.
Now, last year, I had like 4 visual arts friends, and the rest were all music kids.
But this year since I've become close with a lot of visuals and put so much of my time into my relationship with them, the music kids slowly want less and less to do with me
and that's bullshit and it pisses me off.
Why the fuck can't you guys get along?? I get along with both of you!
And now the visuals are pissing me off like submitting old work to a very strict THIS YEAR ONLY juried show and winning titles while my piece and other great ones don't
and ditching me so they can take their other friend, who already went to another prom, to their prom
even when I asked if they would rather take her and they said no
then they ditch me
and my other friends are putting far too much effort into trying to impress guys they like and I told them to chill because they aren't even the same person anymore and so they're mad at me
and my other friends think I'm mad at them and don't want to talk to me
so I'm upset and people don't want to be around me
and my family has been awful to me lately and calling me stupid behind my back
and on top of that my absolute favorite person in the whole entire universe, Eliot, has to leave and go back to Chucktown this Saturday and won't be back until October
so I'm three times as miserable as I would normally be.
I'm just terribly upset and unenthusiastic all the time now.
And I'm pretty good at hiding it, like I keep my music playing when I'm working on my big painting at school so that I can sing along and sound cheery
but if I didn't have that on I would probably break down in tears
Nothing I do makes me happy anymore.
I get no joy out of painting or playing guitar or sewing or singing or even watching tv.
I feel like I have no emotions left except angry and occasionally happy when I'm with other people.
I just want to get out of here.
The only thing I can think of to make myself happy is Italy
All I want to do is sit by the window in the Castelnuovo apartment early in the morning with the window open and no sound except the people in the street and the church bells in the background
That's all I want.
I miss it so much I honestly want to curl up in a ball on my floor and cry.
It's a painful kind of longing. Like when it's cold and it seeps into your bones kind of pain.
I'm absolutely miserable.
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